Friday, March 15, 2013

Where's My Sunshine?

Do you ever find yourself down in the dumps?  What a silly question; we all have days that we just don't feel right.  That's perfectly normal and expected, especially given the world we live in.  It doesn't become an issue until we can't see our way out of the clouds.  Have you ever found yourself floundering in that negativity?  It stinks!  I've been struggling with some of that lately and it's hard to fight!  For those that don't know, I have been having trouble with my back... again.  It's kind of a never ending saga at this point.  After months of discomfort and worsening pain I got myself in, had the imaging done and found out that my bad disc has re-herniated and that another one has herniated right above it.  So we're very much back to square one.  To top it all off everything is super-inflamed and angry, which causes more pain and crazy problems.  Not the best news to be sure, but none of it unexpected.  I knew something was wrong, just not the extent.  Anyway, here lately I have found it hard to look at any of this in a positive light - I'm exhausted, angry, and irritable - which makes for an unpleasant Amanda. 
I'm usually better at working myself out of these moods, but I think I just gave into it this time and have allowed myself to wallow.  Needless to say, I have recognized the problem and am actively trying to remedy it.  I usually make a deal with myself when I get bad news - I get one day to wallow, then I hitch up the 'ole boot straps and start dealing with it the next day.  I skipped that step this time and now I'm paying the price.  It's not fair to anyone around me, especially my family.  I've been trying to think about what I need to do to pull myself out of this funk. 
Yesterday I took the first step: I picked up a mess.  I didn't take any steps backward in my "child training" with the girls, but I took my space back.  As usual they have made their mark in my area and I decided to take it back yesterday.  I went through the living room and collected a trash pile, a pile of the girls' things (yes, it was the biggest), and the three items that belonged to me that were out of place (no exaggeration on that).  It felt so good and put a smile on my face!  Now I can sit at my computer or on the couch and enjoy "my" room again.  Isn't it amazing how a neat space is so calming and puts you at ease?  When Abby and Morgan got home they got to help me clean up the messes they have made in the entryway.  I won't lie and say we enjoyed it, but I am sure enjoying the results of it!  Now when the front door opens you see a nice, neat entryway opening onto the family room.  Much better!  It never ceases to amaze me how an organized space can lift the spirits.
Today I'm continuing my journey.  I'm getting to work.  I'm going to sit here at the computer - with the requisite trips up to save the back - and work on my Bible studies.  God can't take a backseat to me anymore.  I've neglected Him and His work for me long enough and it's time to get back to it.  Just saying that I already feel more positive and hopeful.  Why do I let myself forget that He is all I need to pull myself out of any funk?  If I fill myself up with Him and His word there's no room for my depressed, unhappy thoughts!  Maybe next time I'll remember to let Him provide the sunshine...

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