Musings After Midnight

It's 1:04 a.m. and I'm still awake... again.  So, as I was laying in bed begging my leg to settle down in between massaging and stretching and icing I started my evening prayer.  I got as far as "Why can't I sleep?" when I had a bit of an epiphany.  Maybe I shouldn't be sleeping right now.  Maybe I need to get up and go write. 

Do I want to?  Um... no.  I want to be in bed next to Charles sleeping because, like it or not, I have to be up to get girls off to school in the morning.  But, here we are anyway - just me, a sleeping house, and a crazy leg sitting down at the computer to muse on life.  For those who don't know me well, I'll give you a little back story - those of you who know me and my exciting story, sorry.  You can skip this part if you'd like!  This particular story starts just over 8 years ago, not long after my sweet Abby was born.  I don't remember the exact date it happened, but I started having some serious pain in my lower back that radiated down my right leg.  It was a pain like I had never experienced - which is saying something considering I was recovering from my first c-section at that time!  I sought help from my chiropractor, who eventually referred me to my doctor for an MRI for a suspected disk herniation.  My doctor at the time decided - no, you don't need an MRI.  It's a pulled muscle.  He sent me home with some stretches that alleviated the radiating pain in my leg and I thought we were done.  All through this time I had what I call crazy legs, or my version of sciatica.  Every night at bedtime my leg would start to tingle and go numb which made it very hard to sleep.  Charles and I got into a routine that involved him rubbing my back until the knots dissipated enough that I could sleep.   
Fast forward to 2011.  I still had my crazy legs, but they started getting worse.  Instead of tingling and numbness, I started having leg spasms and some crazy muscle gymnastics every night.  I also had a persistent pain in my low back that never really went away.  That didn't bother me so much - it was pretty normal at this point.  The legs, however, were a problem.  They were starting to keep me up ridiculously late every night, so I sought out my doctor for help.  Fortunately, since moving to Maryland I have found a wonderful doctor who is on top of it, and he sent me for an MRI where they found a rather large disk herniation.  He got me hooked up with a great neurosurgeon and I started physical therapy and pain management.  After several months of PT and a couple steroid injections my pain and nerve issues were just getting worse.  They did surgery and I felt great... until I re-herniated my disk.  They got me in for a second surgery and I am 8 months out at this point with no re-herniation.  The pain is much, much better!  My legs are still crazy though, which seems to be caused by inflammation of the tissues surrounding the nerve root that runs down my leg.  I've been in for another steroid injection and will probably have to go in for another soon.  I keep hoping that one day this will be over and I will lay down in bed to sleep like normal people.
Now, you might be wondering why I had to write a novel about all of this.  Shouldn't I just keep all of this to myself and go back to bed?  Maybe.  But, maybe like me you're wondering "Why" about something.  God doesn't put these things in our paths to destroy us - he puts them there to make us stronger.  I guess my question to myself today is "How is this going to make me stronger?"  I can honestly say I've been letting these legs trip me up instead of looking for an answer in these quiet hours of the morning.  I moan and complain and shoot my why's at the ceiling instead of doing something productive with my time.  Maybe I'll find that my best creative time really is at 2 a.m. and I've really been missing out on something! 

I keep thinking about Paul and his thorn.  In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 he says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   
I don't know what Paul's thorn was, but it was a torment.  How many of us can understand that?  Torments come in all shapes and sizes and are tailor made for each one of us.  The question we have to ask ourselves is what are we going to do with that thorn?  Let it stay inside and fester until it destroys us from the inside out or use it to become strong and effective for Christ's kingdom?  I choose to let God make His power perfect in my weakness.  Will you?