Having "The Talk"

I think parents will all agree that one of the scariest parts of being a parent is having "The Talk" with your kids.  It's nerve wracking, embarrassing, and just plain uncomfortable.  You have a couple choice with it, however.  You can choose to let school or friends tell your kids what they need to know or you can bite the bullet and sit down with them and discuss it.  Emily is getting ready to start the "Family Life" unit at school in May and I want to get ahead of it and prepare her beforehand so she knows what our family believes.  Charles and I decided years ago when we made the choice to send the kids to public school that we would be proactive with information.  We have taken the time to teach the girls about creation - God's way - and we spend a lot of time sharing our views of political topics so they'll understand that it's OK to hold a different belief than what's being presented in class. 

So, how do we broach this topic of puberty with our kids?  They won't get into a lot of "sex talk" in 5th grade, but I want to make our expectations clear early.  Here's my ideas on helping your kids stay pure and God-focused through puberty. 

- You have to talk to them about the hard stuff.  You have to talk to them about the changes in their bodies and the hormonal impulses that are starting to emerge.  It's hard and I can honestly say I have no idea what I'm going to say!  It's not something that can be scripted out anyway - your situation will not be the same as mine and vice versa.  However, I do think we have to be honest and open when we talk to them about it. 

- Have clear expectations.  I don't think there's anything wrong with teaching your kids about purity and God's plan for sex.  It's hard in today's world to be "uncool" like that, but it's a wonderful gift you can give your children and their future spouse.  My suggestion to you is know what your expectations are for your kids.  Sit down with your spouse and figure it out together.  You have to be on the same page with this or your kids are going to get mixed signals.  I would also recommend going to the Bible and learning what God's ideas of sex and marriage are.  Some great passages to look at are: Genesis 2:24 and Hebrews 13:4.

- Pray, pray, pray about it!  I am trying to lift this up to God in prayer and encourage you to do the same.  Through Him we can do anything - even get our kids through puberty!

To Chore or Not to Chore?

Chores for kids seems to be a topic that garners many opinions on both sides of the argument. Are they character building or are they detrimental? Do they encourage responsibility or burn kids out? I'm writing this as I look at my girls' chore charts on the wall.  These are the second version since they have outgrown the chores we started with initially.  We have had success with the charts... when I make sure they follow through with them.  Each week each girl is expected to do certain things as a member of the family: pick up their toys, put their laundry away, get their dirty clothes to the hamper. Each girl also has items that she does each week that earn her a small allowance. Emily, being the oldest, has the opportunity to do some extra chores to earn extra money. Most weeks she earns that extra money while her sisters have to be pushed and prodded and often don't earn their allowance. That may seem harsh, but it's a learning experience for them. When Emily earns her allowance and has money to spend when we go shopping it gives the others pause - not enough to get their chores done, but I'm hoping it will eventually sink in. 

The girls' chore charts, laminated with Expo pen available for marking off chores

I did not think I would be a chore parent - I thought it was my "duty" to follow them around picking up messes and cleaning up their stuff. There's nothing like a couple back surgeries and continued problems to change a situation! I am not able to clean up after them like I used to, and Charles has pointed out that I shouldn't be doing it anyway. Who will follow them around when they're grown? Unless they figure out the formula for instant wealth, they are going to have to learn how to keep their spaces tidy. I also noticed that they didn't respect me for doing all this for them - instead it made them take me for granted. I wish I could tell you that this has all changed since they have started cleaning up their own messes, but unfortunately it's a slow process. We had many years of training one way, and now we have to spend the time training the other way until they "get" it. They are starting to learn, especially when they have something they want to do or somewhere they want to go - when the picking up is done they get to go play, and if they choose not to pick up they don't play. It's amazing how fast things get done when play is involved! 

A nurse in the hospital also helped me change my mind about chores. I was there for my second surgery and was chatting with my intake nurse. I mentioned to her that I felt bad that I would be down for so long recovering and would need the girls to help out more. She told me not to think that way. She shared a story about two young ladies she knew in her neighborhood. One had grown up with no chores and no responsibilities. She never had to work for anything. The other was in a serious car accident with her parents at 15. Both parents were injured badly and required care from her afterwards. So, at 15 she had to take on more responsibility at home and learn to do things on her own. There came a time that an older woman in the neighborhood needed some help and Girl #1 just couldn't be bothered while Girl #2 made time to help in whatever way she could. As adults, the trend continued, with Girl #2 growing into the kind of person who helped others and really took care of all around her and Girl #2 remaining someone who enjoyed being served. This story really hit home for me. I don't know about you, but I want to raise children who serve others happily and do good to those around them. If that means that I give them chores and let them take responsibility, that is what I will do!

God Bless Spring Break!

As I sit here writing I have five young girls having tons of fun in my house.  It's a little bit crazy and a whole lot of fun!  Do you remember when you were on Spring Break as a child?  There is something magical about a whole week - during nice weather - that you get to break routine.  I think I look forward to it as much as the girls.  It's a week for me with no repeated directions, frustration, and clock watching.  It's downright heavenly!  I have tried to schedule very few things for us to do this week so the girls can just enjoy.  If they want to wear PJ's all day they can, or they can make the rounds of all the different toys and art projects available.  Tomorrow we'll head to Six Flags and put our Season Passes to work, and we'll probably go again Saturday when Charles can come too.  

While I enjoy all this "free" time I find myself wondering how to keep the Spring Break calm going after the school rush starts up again.  What are some things I can do to make our lives a little easier during the morning rush?  We've tried a few things this year that have had some success, but I never have found that magical medley that ends in a peaceful, harmonious morning.  I will share with you my successes and failures so that maybe you can add the good stuff to your routine and learn from my mistakes on the rest!

- Get the kids up a little earlier in the morning.  We have found that just allowing an extra 15 minutes in the morning makes a huge difference, especially when you have children that don't get up easily.  By getting them up just a little earlier they can take their time waking up and I don't lose my mind! 
- Let them help pack their lunches.  Anytime you can give your kids control over something they eat it up.  As long as you set some ground rules - you have to pick a fruit or veggie, not just snacks - they can choose each day what they feel like eating.  This has really helped us with waste.  If the girls are choosing their lunch items, I know it's something they want to eat and lunch boxes come home with far fewer leftovers than before.  If you find that this takes too much time in the morning you can incorporate it into your evening routine. 
- Don't send more than one kid up to brush teeth, hair, etc. at a time.  It took a wise woman to help me figure this one out (Thanks Aimee!).  Every day after breakfast I would send the girls up to brush their teeth and hair and every day it was nothing but a problem.  They would go up and do everything but brush teeth and comb hair.  It made for a crazy Mommy every morning and needless rushing.  Now I send one girl up at a time to do her stuff and it's amazing how quickly they get it done!  Isn't it funny how, when there's no one there to goof off with, they can each go up and get their stuff done?  Mind boggling, isn't it?
- Sign folders, agendas, etc. the night before if possible.  I am having mixed success with this one.  Each day when the girls get home they're supposed to bring me their folders so we can look at homework and I can sign them.  Most days we do this pretty well, but we're still having some mornings with unsigned folders running around at the last minute.  One of my goals for this next week is to get a better handle on this.

These are just a few things I have found to be successful and helpful.  I know I'm missing a bunch more and look forward to figuring those things out as I go!  I hope you have great success with your morning routine and a wonderful blessed Spring Break!

Where's My Sunshine?

Do you ever find yourself down in the dumps?  What a silly question; we all have days that we just don't feel right.  That's perfectly normal and expected, especially given the world we live in.  It doesn't become an issue until we can't see our way out of the clouds.  Have you ever found yourself floundering in that negativity?  It stinks!  I've been struggling with some of that lately and it's hard to fight!  For those that don't know, I have been having trouble with my back... again.  It's kind of a never ending saga at this point.  After months of discomfort and worsening pain I got myself in, had the imaging done and found out that my bad disc has re-herniated and that another one has herniated right above it.  So we're very much back to square one.  To top it all off everything is super-inflamed and angry, which causes more pain and crazy problems.  Not the best news to be sure, but none of it unexpected.  I knew something was wrong, just not the extent.  Anyway, here lately I have found it hard to look at any of this in a positive light - I'm exhausted, angry, and irritable - which makes for an unpleasant Amanda. 
I'm usually better at working myself out of these moods, but I think I just gave into it this time and have allowed myself to wallow.  Needless to say, I have recognized the problem and am actively trying to remedy it.  I usually make a deal with myself when I get bad news - I get one day to wallow, then I hitch up the 'ole boot straps and start dealing with it the next day.  I skipped that step this time and now I'm paying the price.  It's not fair to anyone around me, especially my family.  I've been trying to think about what I need to do to pull myself out of this funk. 
Yesterday I took the first step: I picked up a mess.  I didn't take any steps backward in my "child training" with the girls, but I took my space back.  As usual they have made their mark in my area and I decided to take it back yesterday.  I went through the living room and collected a trash pile, a pile of the girls' things (yes, it was the biggest), and the three items that belonged to me that were out of place (no exaggeration on that).  It felt so good and put a smile on my face!  Now I can sit at my computer or on the couch and enjoy "my" room again.  Isn't it amazing how a neat space is so calming and puts you at ease?  When Abby and Morgan got home they got to help me clean up the messes they have made in the entryway.  I won't lie and say we enjoyed it, but I am sure enjoying the results of it!  Now when the front door opens you see a nice, neat entryway opening onto the family room.  Much better!  It never ceases to amaze me how an organized space can lift the spirits.
Today I'm continuing my journey.  I'm getting to work.  I'm going to sit here at the computer - with the requisite trips up to save the back - and work on my Bible studies.  God can't take a backseat to me anymore.  I've neglected Him and His work for me long enough and it's time to get back to it.  Just saying that I already feel more positive and hopeful.  Why do I let myself forget that He is all I need to pull myself out of any funk?  If I fill myself up with Him and His word there's no room for my depressed, unhappy thoughts!  Maybe next time I'll remember to let Him provide the sunshine...

Why Am I So Overwhelmed?

I don't know about you, but I am feeling really overwhelmed right now.  It seems like I can't get a handle on all of the school stuff going on, and any other things on top of that just make it worse!  I don't know where I would be right now if the girls were doing sports this year.  We've got two different school projects going on right now, Maryland State Assessments start tomorrow (for the same two girls that have projects due), we have to keep practicing math facts and reading AR books, and on and on and on.  It's just too much!  I find myself checking the calendar more than the girls do to see when Spring Break starts so I can have a break.  This has led me to wonder where I'm making a misstep with the school stuff and how I can correct it. 
Not hovering enough?  Emily has taken me by surprise more than once because she "forgets" to tell me about a project she has until the due date is fast approaching.  I get so frustrated and fuss at her, but she keeps doing it!  So, am I not riding her enough?  She is almost 11 years old and starts middle school in the fall, so we've been trying to give her more responsibility in regards to her school work.  I have been asking her what homework she has to do each day and leaving it to her to actually tell me what it is.  Lately I've been sitting down with her and her binder so we can go over assignments together.  I would like to be able to just ask her and have her tell me what she has to do, but that has backfired on us too many times here lately.  My hope is that eventually she'll take more and more responsibility for her work as time goes on.
Not regimenting time enough?  Charles and I are big believers in play time for the girls and try to give them as much time as possible each day to do that.  However, this does cut into the time available for extra skills practice or reading.  So, where's the balance?  How do I fit it all in?  This is a struggle I've had since the girls started school many moons ago.  The last thing they need is schoolwork from dawn to dusk, but sometimes it feels like that's what we have to do to fit it all in!  We've started trying to get them into bed a bit earlier in the evening so they all have reading time before bed.  It's working pretty well most nights and definitely helps them get through books a bit faster.  I've also started fitting math practice in when they don't have homework so they keep their brains sharp.  I've also put a few math games on the tablet so they can "play" and learn at the same time! 
Worrying too much?  I think that sometimes I worry a bit too much about the grades.  I was always a perfectionist about my grades - anything less than a B on an assignment was something to cry about and heaven help me if it had happened on a report card!  Unfortunately my girls don't have that same problem.  They often can't be bothered to turn in an assignment if they're not reminded several times to do so.  It drives me crazy!  Their Daddy was just like that as a child and it drove his parents batty, too.  I am learning, though, to let go of the grades just a little bit.  If they work hard (and turn the work in!) I will be satisfied with the grade they receive.  I sure do wish I could infuse a little more perfectionism in them, though, and I don't think that's ever going to change!

Why am I raising such slobs?

I noticed in recent postings that I have gotten away from my blog's purpose, so I thought I would try to get back on track today.  The question that is forefront in my mind right now is: Why am I raising such slobs?  Last month I went through and did a deep cleaning of my house - something I try to do at least once each year.  I missed last year due to surgery, so this year was a catch-up.  The one thing that I noticed was how sloppy my girls (especially the younger two) really are.  They can't find their towel hook in the bathroom to save their lives and apparently the nice big laundry hamper in their room is much harder to use than the floor.  If you ever want to know what they've done in a day you only have to look at my house and follow their trails!  It has gotten out of hand and Charles and I have decided it's finally time to deal with it.  How?  With lots of consistency and perseverance on my part.  Yuck!  One of my least favorite things is following the girls all over making sure they do what they're supposed to be doing.  There are so many other things I would rather be doing!  But, if I want them to change their bad habits I have to be consistent.  After all, they didn't train themselves to be slobs - I did it by cleaning up after them every time they made a mess for the last 9 years! 
Some of the things we're having success with are:
*  Chore charts: Each of the girls is responsible for a certain number of chores each week.  Some of these are items they receive an allowance for doing (things that help me out) and others are expected for them to do as part of the family (picking up their rooms, putting toys away, etc.).  I have the charts hung out in plain sight so we see them every day and check their progress.  Since the girls, at 10, 8, and 7, have different abilities they have different jobs.  Emily is expected to empty the dishwasher and clean the cat boxes, both easy things for her to complete.  Abby is "the vacuumer."  She has one room each day that she is responsible for which is easy to keep up with.  She is also in charge of feeding and watering the kitties, which she loves, so there's a little bit of fun there for her!  Morgan is expected to vacuum the kitchen twice and run the Swiffer once in a week, as well as keeping the art supplies neat since she uses them the most.  No one is asked to shoulder too much of the burden and I get the added benefit of having help with tasks that are painful for me to physically do.
*  Regular "check-ups:"  I am learning that when I send the girls up to clean their rooms I can't take their word that they actually did what they were asked.  They like to clean the middle of the room by throwing stuff in the closet, under the bed, or in a container of some sort.  So I have been coming in and pointing out the deficiencies and making them keep at it until everything is in its place.  This keeps the room from getting out of hand.  We're doing the same with the art area and play area downstairs.  They get a chance to clean up then I come check and usually end up making them do part of it the right way. 
*  Be Specific:  We are learning to verbalize our expectations to the girls.  If I want the books cleaned up I need to tell them "Go put your books away" or "Put your dirty clothes in the hamper."  I can't tell Abby and Morgan "Pick up your room" without qualification.  It's overwhelming for them, especially when their room is messy.  Giving them small, easily achieved goals helps keep them on track. 
*  Be Consistent and Persevere!:  The most important step to "un-slobbing" our children is consistency and perseverance on our part.  We have to remind them of their chores, we have to make sure their messes get picked up, we have to check the towels and dirty clothes, etc.  If we take one day off they will break the good habit and go back to their old sloppy ways.  Charles has reminded me more than once that they didn't get this way overnight and the fix isn't going to happen overnight either.  It's good to remember - especially on those days that there are Abby and Morgan trails running through the house.  It's a marathon, not a sprint!  I am confident that one day we will look back and fondly remember their little cleaning foibles... one day far in the future!

Love is...

Love is...

• A nice hot cup of coffee every morning when I wake up, fixed by the man who still makes my heart smile.
• An evening of fun with my girls and hubby: anything from pizza and a movie to games or a night out together.
• Baking with Emily... or enjoying what she bakes on her own!
• Talking with Abby... more accurately listening to Abby while she's talking to me!
• Coloring with Morgan.
• Family in all its forms and functions. 
• Time with my besties doing just about anything.  We have found we can make the simplest things fun!
• Digging into God's word with my Bible study group - sharing His message and in turn being taught so much.
• Writing.
• Cuddles from children.
• Listening and sharing dreams with my one and only.
• Opening the Bible and discovering God's love for me on every page.
• Realizing that Jesus' sacrifice was the largest outpouring of love, mercy, and grace this world has ever seen.