Loving Through the Pain

9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

This post is for those of us who are living with pain: injuries, disease, disorders, you name it.  Pain stinks!  You know my history - herniated disc in the lower back, two surgeries to fix it, re-herniation, and now more sharp, insistent pain in the low back and down my right leg... again.  It's frustrating and maddening and all-consuming!  When every move you make shoots pain through your body it is hard to think through it.  It's hard to focus on things you need to do because you hurt and your pain recepters are going to make sure you know that you are hurting and they aren't happy.  My question today is: how do I find the love through the pain?

Does that make sense?  Let me try to explain.  When all your brain processes is pain it's very easy to become irritable.  I find that little things will just set me off: toys on the floor, kids knocking my chair, more toys on the floor, someone else knocking me off balance - you get the picture!  Every nerve in my body is on edge right now and it takes so little for one of my beautiful treasures to step right on it and set me off!  Since I can't put myself away in a padded room full of pain relievers, what can I do?  How do I love through this pain? 

First, I have to acknowledge that there is a problem.  I am hurt... again... and need to take steps to make it better.  This means regular Motrin, not sitting too long, icing, and using my "Mini-Masseuse" machine.  Nothing new, but these are activities that eat into time I'd much rather spend doing other things.  This is all a big pain in the rear (literally!) but very necessary.  I can't just sit back and play the victim.  If I want to feel better - and I do - I have to take steps that will help make that happen. 

Second, I have to watch the attitude.  Yes, I hurt and it stinks and it would be great if it would go away, but I also have a family that still needs care and loving even though I don't feel good.  I think my frustration has come from a perceived lack of empathy from the younger girls.  They see me hurting and it translates into an inconvenience for them instead of an opportunity to help.  My struggle right now is to teach a different attitude without just being mean, crazy mom and losing my mind.   If I can learn to look at my situation like Paul did I think I could really do the girls a lot of good.  I can honestly tell you that I have a really hard time looking at this physical weakness as a strength or opportunity for God, but it can be!  If I can take my own thoughts and perceptions out of the equation and focus on how God can be glorified through my situation He will make my weakness a strength!  The question is: can I do it?

Third, I have to keep on track.  This setback can't affect my forward progress.  I still need to write and work on my ongoing projects.  If that means working in snatches as my back allows, that's what I will do.  Yes, it'll stink and it'll wreak havoc with my "Zone" time, but I have to make it work!  I know from experience that the best way to stave off the depression that would love to creep in is to keep myself in God's word and in close communion with Him every day.  My favorite way to do this is writing, so I have to keep it up.  If that means writing for 15 minutes and taking a 5 minute break, that is what I will do.  If that means using paper and a pen while I'm icing and typing later, I'll make that work too!  I can stay on my positive work track and keep my forward momentum if I fully rely on God to get me through this. 

Finally, I have to keep God close.  Having done this same routine a few times before, I know that falling to my knees in front of God and His mighty power is the only thing that will let me love through this pain.  If I have to be weak in order to be strong in Christ I will take it!  I would much rather be strong for Christ and feeble in body than strong in self and weak in Christ!  I know that He is stronger than my weakness and He will carry me through this.  So, how do I love through the pain?  I put my arms around God and let His love radiate through me to those around me.  I can't do it on my own, but if I let Him do the hard part I can't lose! 



Help, My Children Have Lost Their Minds!!

I don't know about you, but here in Maryland our kids still have until June 11 before school is out.  Right now that feels like an eternity to them... and to me!  No one wants to get up in the morning, no one wants to do homework, no one wants to go to school and do anything productive - you get the picture.  They are ready to be done.  Unfortunately we still have 12 days of school left.  12 more days of work.  12 more days of morning crazy before 8 blessed weeks of freedom. 

I find myself in need of some strategies and tools to get us through to June 11.  What can I do differently to help the girls?  How am I contributing to the stress?  How do I stay sane over the next weeks?

I have some ideas on making these last weeks of school more pleasure than pain for all of us:
Make it Special - Tuesday evening the school had a Book Fair that we could visit as a family, so we all piled in the car and went down for some new reading material.  The girls all got to pick some books out and immediately started reading them in the car.  Abby, especially, has been devouring her choices - and she's not a huge reader!  It made me realize that sometimes they need the novelty of a "treat."  Something out of the ordinary that just makes them feel special.  Sure, it cost Charles and I the price of the books, but their enjoyment and appreciation make it worth every penny!  Today I drove them to school - again, not a huge thing, but something that starts their day out special.  Over the next couple of weeks I will try to find different little things that will make their days pass a little easier.

Relax -  I don't know about you, but my May calendar is full!  In the last two weeks I have been at the girls' school for 6 different events.  Add in church functions, friends and family and you have a crazy, busy month!  It's hard enough to manage the family during this wind down time - add in all the field trips, field days, concerts, and activities and you can easily lose your mind!  This is the first weekend we have nothing scheduled and we have declared it off-limits.  Charles and Morgan have plans to conquer the two-wheeler bike, Emily has a date with her roller blades, and Abby is itching to get back on her bike.  Mommy will be on camera detail and we will rest.  We don't take enough time to enjoy being home together as a family, especially during this time of year.  There's so much going on that sucks your family time away, so we will take this weekend to steal it back!

Prioritize - All the hectic rush makes me crazy and rubs off on the girls so they get kind of crazy, too!  It doesn't help anything and just makes us all want to rip at each other, so I'm trying to figure out how to avoid it.  It's time for me to prioritize - what's most important, what can we let go, etc. - and then accept the limits I place.  Why do I continue to think that I can do anything and handle anything?  I have proved over and over again that I have limits - why do I choose to ignore them so often?  My poor family are the ones who suffer because I can't say no.  So I'll keep working on setting my boundaries and sticking to them.  One of these days, with the Lord's help, maybe I will figure it out!

I'm Proud to be a Nurturing Mom!

I recently read a Time article titled: "Viewpoint: Is Mother's Day Sexist?" The author is concerned with the messages we send this time of year. Why do we thank moms for being nurturing, gentle, and soft when just a month later we thank dads for their strength and good examples? Why can't moms be the role model and dads the nurturers?

Let me share a paragraph from the article with you:
"Of course, there is not a thing wrong with children saying thank you for all those cuddles and comfort, or for expressing gratitude for models of strength and responsibility. These are all lovely sentiments. The question is: why in 2013, are we still dividing all these traits by gender? It’s insulting to both women and men and it has less and less to do with contemporary American families. Dads can be nurturers. Moms can be role models. Many, of course, already are."

Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2013/05/09/viewpoint-is-mothers-day-sexist/#ixzz2T1NO7cPL

My answer to this article is NO - Mother's Day is not sexist! I am proud to be a soft place for my children to fall, and I have no problem with my place in their lives. God made me different from Charles, just like he made all men and women different. Does this mean men can't nurture? No, of course not, but it's not the natural instinct of most guys. We thank our dads for their strength, example, and character because these are the things dads should be teaching us. My girls are learning what a man is supposed to be like by watching their father. He is the spiritual leader in our home... and I am perfectly fine with that! Why do we feel the need to steal identity from each other? Why is it undesirable for me to be a woman with womanly traits and characteristics? God has good reasons for what he does and he didn't mess up when he gave each sex different strengths and weaknesses. 

I find it interesting that my womanly traits mix with Charles' manly traits and make a complete set of parents for our girls. How sad is it that we can't celebrate that as a society?  I will spend tomorrow with my family, enjoying time together and celebrating my 11 years as a mom. I will be proud of the fact that I nurture my girls and teach them how to be Godly young women. I encourage you to do the same with your children! Let's send our own message this year - we are proud to be nurturing moms! 

Shhh... Mommy's in "The Zone!!"

I recently shared a list on Facebook.  It's great - in fact, so great I need to share it with you today:

Isn't it great?  I think this can apply to anyone, not just those of us crazy enough to write.  An artist would probably tell you something very similar, with "artsy" stuff instead of the writing references.  So, how does this list work when you're a mom?  #5 is probably the hardest for me to balance as a parent.  Kids notoriously don't care (or notice) if Mommy's in the Zone - they still need to eat, tell you everything going on in their day, and homework doesn't monitor itself.  How do I take the time I need to get my work done when I can (the Zone is no respecter of schedules or timelines) and still parent these treasures the Lord has given me?

As I sit here typing this awesome blog article I have been interrupted out of the Zone 3 times by various things: Can Morgan get dressed (yes, they're still in pajamas at noon), Crash!  the pencil drawers went flying in the kitchen, and Emily needs to walk her friend home from sleepover.  This is my life - enter chaos, noise and destruction!  Sometimes I wonder how I get anything coherent down on paper or screen while the children are home and awake. 
 
Today I want to try to share some tips for moms and kids in respecting the Zone.  What's resonable for us to expect and what's not?  How do we take advantage of that creative spark and take care of our children at the same time?  Am I still a good mom?

- Establish Boundaries - I think the most important thing for creative moms is to establish boundaries for themselves and the children.  If your children still nap, use naptime to be creative.  When the girls were younger I wasn't writing, but if I had been I would have used that time to get some work done.  Now that they're in school I do the bulk of my work while they're at school.  Unfortunately the Zone rarely wears off by 4 pm, so on those days I have to disengage from the computer so I can engage the kids.  Otherwise I get frustrated and annoyed when they interrupt.  As the kids get older you can set boundaries with them.  For instance, today the girls are home and I am spending some time writing.  They are set up playing Barbies downstairs and know to keep the interruptions to a minimum.  This way I get a chance to do some work while they have some fun time.  I will limit myself to a couple hours so that I get time with them today to do something fun. 

- Establish Priorities - What needs to be done each day at home?  Sometimes when we're firmly ensconced in the Zone it's easy to forget that dishes need to be done, clothes need to be washed, and our families would like to eat dinner.  Isn't it a pain sometimes?  I would love to retreat to my little bubble and not come out until I have wrung myself dry!  But, that doesn't work when you're a busy mom and wife.  Our families have to come first - even when we're solving all the world's ills in print or crafting the next great masterpiece.  They matter more than all of that, and they need to know that they're more important to you than your work.  It would break my heart if my girls or Charles thought my writing was more important to me than they are.  As in everything I am first a daughter of God, then a wife and mother - everything else stacks up after that.  There are some days I have to accept I won't be a writer at all.  I'll be a wife and mom all day, or spend the day with a friend who needs me.  And that's OK.  I know my priorities and need to learn to accept where everything belongs.
     

Having "The Talk"

I think parents will all agree that one of the scariest parts of being a parent is having "The Talk" with your kids.  It's nerve wracking, embarrassing, and just plain uncomfortable.  You have a couple choice with it, however.  You can choose to let school or friends tell your kids what they need to know or you can bite the bullet and sit down with them and discuss it.  Emily is getting ready to start the "Family Life" unit at school in May and I want to get ahead of it and prepare her beforehand so she knows what our family believes.  Charles and I decided years ago when we made the choice to send the kids to public school that we would be proactive with information.  We have taken the time to teach the girls about creation - God's way - and we spend a lot of time sharing our views of political topics so they'll understand that it's OK to hold a different belief than what's being presented in class. 

So, how do we broach this topic of puberty with our kids?  They won't get into a lot of "sex talk" in 5th grade, but I want to make our expectations clear early.  Here's my ideas on helping your kids stay pure and God-focused through puberty. 

- You have to talk to them about the hard stuff.  You have to talk to them about the changes in their bodies and the hormonal impulses that are starting to emerge.  It's hard and I can honestly say I have no idea what I'm going to say!  It's not something that can be scripted out anyway - your situation will not be the same as mine and vice versa.  However, I do think we have to be honest and open when we talk to them about it. 

- Have clear expectations.  I don't think there's anything wrong with teaching your kids about purity and God's plan for sex.  It's hard in today's world to be "uncool" like that, but it's a wonderful gift you can give your children and their future spouse.  My suggestion to you is know what your expectations are for your kids.  Sit down with your spouse and figure it out together.  You have to be on the same page with this or your kids are going to get mixed signals.  I would also recommend going to the Bible and learning what God's ideas of sex and marriage are.  Some great passages to look at are: Genesis 2:24 and Hebrews 13:4.

- Pray, pray, pray about it!  I am trying to lift this up to God in prayer and encourage you to do the same.  Through Him we can do anything - even get our kids through puberty!

To Chore or Not to Chore?

Chores for kids seems to be a topic that garners many opinions on both sides of the argument. Are they character building or are they detrimental? Do they encourage responsibility or burn kids out? I'm writing this as I look at my girls' chore charts on the wall.  These are the second version since they have outgrown the chores we started with initially.  We have had success with the charts... when I make sure they follow through with them.  Each week each girl is expected to do certain things as a member of the family: pick up their toys, put their laundry away, get their dirty clothes to the hamper. Each girl also has items that she does each week that earn her a small allowance. Emily, being the oldest, has the opportunity to do some extra chores to earn extra money. Most weeks she earns that extra money while her sisters have to be pushed and prodded and often don't earn their allowance. That may seem harsh, but it's a learning experience for them. When Emily earns her allowance and has money to spend when we go shopping it gives the others pause - not enough to get their chores done, but I'm hoping it will eventually sink in. 

The girls' chore charts, laminated with Expo pen available for marking off chores

I did not think I would be a chore parent - I thought it was my "duty" to follow them around picking up messes and cleaning up their stuff. There's nothing like a couple back surgeries and continued problems to change a situation! I am not able to clean up after them like I used to, and Charles has pointed out that I shouldn't be doing it anyway. Who will follow them around when they're grown? Unless they figure out the formula for instant wealth, they are going to have to learn how to keep their spaces tidy. I also noticed that they didn't respect me for doing all this for them - instead it made them take me for granted. I wish I could tell you that this has all changed since they have started cleaning up their own messes, but unfortunately it's a slow process. We had many years of training one way, and now we have to spend the time training the other way until they "get" it. They are starting to learn, especially when they have something they want to do or somewhere they want to go - when the picking up is done they get to go play, and if they choose not to pick up they don't play. It's amazing how fast things get done when play is involved! 

A nurse in the hospital also helped me change my mind about chores. I was there for my second surgery and was chatting with my intake nurse. I mentioned to her that I felt bad that I would be down for so long recovering and would need the girls to help out more. She told me not to think that way. She shared a story about two young ladies she knew in her neighborhood. One had grown up with no chores and no responsibilities. She never had to work for anything. The other was in a serious car accident with her parents at 15. Both parents were injured badly and required care from her afterwards. So, at 15 she had to take on more responsibility at home and learn to do things on her own. There came a time that an older woman in the neighborhood needed some help and Girl #1 just couldn't be bothered while Girl #2 made time to help in whatever way she could. As adults, the trend continued, with Girl #2 growing into the kind of person who helped others and really took care of all around her and Girl #2 remaining someone who enjoyed being served. This story really hit home for me. I don't know about you, but I want to raise children who serve others happily and do good to those around them. If that means that I give them chores and let them take responsibility, that is what I will do!

God Bless Spring Break!

As I sit here writing I have five young girls having tons of fun in my house.  It's a little bit crazy and a whole lot of fun!  Do you remember when you were on Spring Break as a child?  There is something magical about a whole week - during nice weather - that you get to break routine.  I think I look forward to it as much as the girls.  It's a week for me with no repeated directions, frustration, and clock watching.  It's downright heavenly!  I have tried to schedule very few things for us to do this week so the girls can just enjoy.  If they want to wear PJ's all day they can, or they can make the rounds of all the different toys and art projects available.  Tomorrow we'll head to Six Flags and put our Season Passes to work, and we'll probably go again Saturday when Charles can come too.  

While I enjoy all this "free" time I find myself wondering how to keep the Spring Break calm going after the school rush starts up again.  What are some things I can do to make our lives a little easier during the morning rush?  We've tried a few things this year that have had some success, but I never have found that magical medley that ends in a peaceful, harmonious morning.  I will share with you my successes and failures so that maybe you can add the good stuff to your routine and learn from my mistakes on the rest!

- Get the kids up a little earlier in the morning.  We have found that just allowing an extra 15 minutes in the morning makes a huge difference, especially when you have children that don't get up easily.  By getting them up just a little earlier they can take their time waking up and I don't lose my mind! 
- Let them help pack their lunches.  Anytime you can give your kids control over something they eat it up.  As long as you set some ground rules - you have to pick a fruit or veggie, not just snacks - they can choose each day what they feel like eating.  This has really helped us with waste.  If the girls are choosing their lunch items, I know it's something they want to eat and lunch boxes come home with far fewer leftovers than before.  If you find that this takes too much time in the morning you can incorporate it into your evening routine. 
- Don't send more than one kid up to brush teeth, hair, etc. at a time.  It took a wise woman to help me figure this one out (Thanks Aimee!).  Every day after breakfast I would send the girls up to brush their teeth and hair and every day it was nothing but a problem.  They would go up and do everything but brush teeth and comb hair.  It made for a crazy Mommy every morning and needless rushing.  Now I send one girl up at a time to do her stuff and it's amazing how quickly they get it done!  Isn't it funny how, when there's no one there to goof off with, they can each go up and get their stuff done?  Mind boggling, isn't it?
- Sign folders, agendas, etc. the night before if possible.  I am having mixed success with this one.  Each day when the girls get home they're supposed to bring me their folders so we can look at homework and I can sign them.  Most days we do this pretty well, but we're still having some mornings with unsigned folders running around at the last minute.  One of my goals for this next week is to get a better handle on this.

These are just a few things I have found to be successful and helpful.  I know I'm missing a bunch more and look forward to figuring those things out as I go!  I hope you have great success with your morning routine and a wonderful blessed Spring Break!